Chapter 17

Gary's POV

I feel hurt... is he embarrassed? Ashamed of the way he is.... the way we both are? Maybe he felt sorry for me, but then again he was the one who made the first move. "Gary are you coming?" Mark calls from the car window.
By hearing his voice it brings me back to reality. "Erm... y..yeah coming." I make my way back inside the car buckling my seat belt back on. For a few seconds i look in the mirror above my head looking at myself. Maybe i wasn't the man Mark wanted me to be... what if he's having second thoughts?
"Gary are we going or not?! I don't want to be here much longer." I feel Mark's eyes staring at me burning in the side of my head. Gently i suck my lip. No Gary. No tears. The more i look at myself the more i begin to over think. "Gary! I'm talking to you!" He tugs my leg.
"Why didn't you tell her..." Softly i mumble surprised that i even managed to get words out feeling the way i do.
"What? Tell her what?"
I shake my head a little. "You know exactly what i'm talking about Mark... you're embarrassed aren't you?" I bit my tongue a little stopping my tears from falling.
"N...No? Of course i'm not." He raises his eyebrow at me. That sweet innocent face looking at me.
"Then...why haven't you told her...?"
Softly he sighs. "I didn't think it mattered just now... i've only just left her."
Those words. 'didn't think it mattered.' Causes a few tears to leave my eyes. "O..Ok..." I start the engine.
"Gaz? Are you crying?" Mark's hand touches my cheek, but i just move away not allowing his hand to make contact with my face.
"We need to get home.. i've got to do some work in the studio." I wipe my eyes on my arm as i pull out of the school's car park.

The car journey was completely silent. Neither of us spoke at all. It was a relief when i finally turned the corner to my house to park onto the drive. "Gaz..." Mark looks up at me once i remove the key from the car making it even more silent.
"I've got work to do... there's food in the fridge help yourself." I shut my car door. I didn't stick around to hear Mark's answer instead i made my way upstairs to my studio instantly locking the door behind me. My heart aches. Those words go around in my head again. 'Didn't think it mattered.' Causing more tears to leave my eyes slowly my back slides down the door until i'm making contact with the floor. Allowing my face to bury into my hands where i begin to cry. I love him so much he doesn't understand. I'm a 42 year old man and i feel like i'm 16. Maybe he used me for an excuse to leave Emma... like he just wanted to try me for an experiment to see what it's like to be gay...confused by his sexuality, and i didn't reach his standards i guess. Slowly i lay on the floor bringing my knees to my chest quietly crying myself to sleep.

Pain in my back causes my eyes to open. "Urgh." I open my eyes resting my hand on my back. How long was i asleep for? I best get to bed before my back is even more fucked up. The sky outside is pitch black, so i must of been asleep for at least a couple of hours. Slowly i make my way to the bedroom remembering why i was asleep on the floor in the first place. The hallway is quiet he must be asleep. "Mark..." I whisper making my way to the bedroom still holding my back stumbling around in the dark for a light switch. No answer came from the bedroom. He's either asleep or ignoring me. Once i reach the bedroom  i begin to take my clothes off in the complete darkness. The only thing which could make me feel better is to fall asleep in Mark's arms. I remove my shirt and trousers before getting into bed. "Mark..." I move over to the othersise feeling around for him. Wait. It's empty? The bed is empty??! Quickly i switch on the bedside light. He's not here? He never came to bed? Just as i was about to leave the room i notice something catch my eye. A note resting on his pillow. " Gaz... i just want to say how sorry i am. I've fucked up one relationship and now i've done the same with you. This has been a really hard time in my life and i don't want it affecting you. Seeing you cry today partly broke my heart. (Well what i have left of it anyway.) You was crying because of me. I should be there to make you happy the only time i should make you cry is when i'm making you laugh. I was wrong. I was also wrong for saying it didn't matter about telling Emma about us. I want to tell the whole world. The only reason i didn't was, because i just wanted to spend one day with my children knowing Emma as soon as  finds out it'll be too late to see them again... selfish of me i know. Sorry for not saying goodbye in person. I'm useless at saying goodbyes and especially if i was saying it to the only man i've ever loved. Promise me one just one thing Gary... promise me that you will find someone who could be a better boyfriend than what i was... who will love you without loving themselves first... someone to settle down...start a family with you... no baggage no problems... whether that love comes from a man or a woman... that's all i ask... sorry for everything from the bottom of my heart... no matter what i'll always love you... it pains me to leave, but it's for the best i don't stay in the country being without you seeing your hand in another person's hand...that person not being me... i love you Gary always and forever don't ever forget that babe... love always  your Marko xxx
Ps. I never ever had regrets us. I've loved you for a long time even before Emma... i just never had the guts to tell you. You're a very special man Gary... the night i kissed you was the best thing i've ever done... " Quickly i jump out of bed opening the wardrobe doors. His clothes are gone. Everything of Mark's has gone!! No this can't be happening! I've got to get him! Or is it too late...?